Libre Magazine

He went silent.

After having lumbered through the streets while the night fell softly from the sky, he rested on a rude patch of the sidewalk. An aged lamppost glared at him with its quivering pale light; adding extra melancholy to his already burdened day. Words had run out; and whatever voice was left to his thoughts came out bitter and wild.

A meaningful relationship should be able to maintain itself; he always thought, and as time crawled on his wrist, this idea sunk in so much that he let it all happen on its free will. His lack of effort in maintaining all the human links in his life led to many rotten moments create pages of unsettled conversations.

As he sat there drenched in broken pieces of light, he noticed a crack on the concrete, a small and otherwise unnoticeable split line that started from this end of the road stretching across to the other end. That road was actually split into two. As his eyes followed the crack, his mind wandered into comparisons; every road that took him to another human was fractured with a subtle crack, invisible to a roaming eye, caused by some words polluted with anger or disapproval.

The lamppost, all of a sudden, fell asleep and its grim light was replaced by rays wrapped in haze and some left over pieces of night. It was time.

He walked into his house to get ready for work; his younger brother came out of the shower and ran across him outside his room. The dirt from a stormy argument long ago was still floating between them. His brother looked at him, said an automated hello and started walking towards his room. He walked after him and knocked at the door.

“Hey brother, what’s happening?”

“Nothing much, the usual.”

“Ahan …. So I hear you are buying a motorbike?”

“Yeah, planning.”

“What’s there to plan, just go and buy it.”

“I am still short on some money.”

“How much?”

“Why? … Are you trying to buy something here?”

“No, I am not trying to buy anything here, just trying to help.”

“You could’ve done that long time back.”

“I know … But I didn’t. … And I don’t want to feel the same about this; this is now and I want to help.”

“Why?”

“Because you are my brother.”

“I always was; and I always will be. Then why now?”

“I am trying to understand now.”

He had never learnt to value having a brother, it was a default relationship; he never thought he would have to put in an effort to keep it.

“You don’t have to buy me anything to understand.” His brother walked towards him and hugged him, “you are my brother.”

He wrapped his arms around him and for the first time, hugged him. Something fell off his shoulders, off his mind; he felt a hint of lightness on his soul. A smile crawled onto his face.

As he walked away to get out of the room, his brother said with a mischievous smile, “But I wouldn’t mind a cheque for thirty thousand you know.”

He turned back with a smile, “You son of a …” He signed him a cheque and walked out.

He always avoided running across his manager unless it was utmost imperative. That morning, as soon as he reached his office, he knocked at his manager’s office.

“So you want to argue a little more over that report?” his manager naturally couldn’t get over his blunt disapproval of the last exhibition report.

“No, I just … wanted to say good morning.”

“And you are not going to say anything about that report?”

“No, I will. I still think the report is insufficient and lacks objectivity.”

“Look, my not having the authority to transfer or even fire you does not mean that you supersede me or directly defy my actions; I am your manager.”

“I know. I am not trying to do any of that; however, my stance on that report still is the same. But I think it would be unfair of me to question the report without offering an alternative, so I am going to submit in my report and it will then be up to you to decide which one is accurate.”

“Makes sense. I think it’s a good idea. Someone woke up on the right side of the bed this morning.”

“I didn’t wake up at all. I’ll send in my report tomorrow.”

“Great. And … good morning.”

“Good morning to you too.”

Walking out of his manager’s office had never been that pleasant. He felt another pebble of a load on his feet as he was walking out of the office. He walked towards the cubicles and reached his assistant’s desk.

“Hey, I know it was last week but good work on the exhibition, you did well; I appreciate all that.” The pebble fell off.

He entered his room and fell on the chair, throwing his glasses onto the table; a thought spun around his heavy head as he stared at his glasses. He rushed out of his office.

He entered his grandfather’s room as he sat there in his comfort chair bedside the window trying to read the newspaper.

“Hi grandpa.”

“Hey son. Hi. … Aaa … You are here … No office today?”

“I just took a day off … So what’s the news today?”

“Nothing special … same old same old, everyday.”

“Yeah. Hey you had an appointment with the doctor for your eyesight, right?”

“Yeah it was. But never mind; I didn’t have time, and I can read better all right.”

“I think … lets go to a doc, lets get your eyesight checked. What do you say?”

“You mean … you? … You have time?”

“Oh yeah … plenty of it. You want to get ready?”

“Oh no, I am all ready, we can go now.”

Even he didn’t know how long it had been since he spent more than five minutes with the old man, not that he ever complained or anything but there still was plenty of space but no time spent between them.

After the doctor’s, they went to grab an early lunch at a fancy restaurant. The old man, trying to seize the moment, fetched out every interesting glint of an event from his life and spread it on the table between them. The old man made him laugh; he took him along to his days.

“You better save some stories for tonight, grandpa” he said while dropping him off back home.

The old man smiled and walked in with a healthier walk than the usual.

As he was taking his car out, he saw his mother sitting in the lawn, clipping the dead leaves off the plants. He saw a small but completely black cloud hanging over her head preventing a part of sunshine from entering her eyes. There was one word still between him and her that added an unseen unspoken distance everyday.

He stepped out of the car and walked towards her.

“Hi mom.”

“My son” she said with a life sized smile in her eyes and kissed him on his cheeks.

“The plants seem fine mom” he said with a playful smile on his face.

“You can’t always tell from the surface my dear”

“You are right. We can’t. … Mom?”

“Yes my son”

“I said no because of reasons you know”

“We all have our reasons”

“Yes, but I never told you mine, I just said no.”

“We have our ways too”

“Yeah. … I said no because it was too sudden and there were so many things unknown. The girl you chose for me must be great, but I don’t know her. I couldn’t give you an answer right there right then, but they wanted an answer, and the only answer appropriate for something so strange, so nameless, was no. I didn’t say no to you, or your choice or your intentions; I said no to something I didn’t feel comfortable with, I said no to the urgency, to the lack of time and understanding. I didn’t even say no to her, but to the way it was all being done. Just … give me time. If there is anyone I would let make decision for me, it would be no one but you; but include me, let there be time to find out, to know, to like, to decide.”

His mother kept staring at him with a smile and shine of tears in her eyes, “my son has grown up” she hugged him and kissed him.

“I love you mom”

“I know son.”

As he walked towards his car, he looked back at her; the cloud was gone, there was sunshine smiling on her.

He parked his car and walked into his favorite coffee shop; he visited it everyday but two days back when he walked out of there he had promised himself never to come back.

He occupied his usual seat near the window and the mini waterfall and waited to be attended. A minute later a waiter approached him and asked what he would like to have. He looked at him with surprise; it was the first time when someone other than her would wait on him.

“Just give me a minute” he let the waiter go and walked towards the counter behind which she stood serving. He grabbed a stool and sat on it. He knew she had seen him but he was yet to be attended. After there was no customer left unnerved, she had to turn to him.

“What would you like to have sir?”

“And till a couple of days ago, I used to have a name.”

“I am sure you still do. What would you like to have?”

“A bit of attention.”

“You had it, more than your share.”

“I know. And I didn’t appreciate it; I wasn’t thoughtful. Something else determined my words that I spoke to you. What you do is noble; something I don’t have the courage to do; I can’t serve. You do. And I like you for that, I respect you for that.”

“Words come easy to you don’t they?”

“I wish they did, I wish they did … All right, here is the deal, come out of the bar, please.”

He requested her to come out and to sit on the stool where he sat. He walked in behind the counter, wrapped an apron around his waist and served her coffee. Her beautiful smile finally came back.

He sat in his car in the parking lot and dialed a number.

“Hey, its me”

Silence held its breath for a while and then finally a girl’s voice came from the other end of the phone, “hey”

“How are you?”

“I am good. You? … Why?”

“I don’t know. Its been two years.”

“Yeah, I know. I thought … Why did you do that?”

“What could I do? I couldn’t just let you go.”

“But I was still there, as a friend.”

“You think that was enough?”

“You think this was enough?”

“No.”

“I couldn’t find it in me to forgive you, you know that.”

“I know. That’s why I couldn’t call”

“At least you could’ve tried”

“I have now”

“What do you want now? Is it that easy?”

“No its not. I am not looking for an answer now. Whenever.”

“I don’t think we can be friends any more; I am married now.”

“Yeah, I know”

“ … but I am glad that you called”

“Yeah … I am glad I called too”

He hung up to a stale memory that was just stirred by a harsh moment in today. He sat there silently, rerunning the gone by days in his mind when another face with an old but familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. He switched on the engine, put the car in gear and drove out of the parking lot.

His father’s personal assistant greeted him with surprise.

“Is he in there?”

“Yes he is, you can walk in. Its good to see you”

“Good to see you too”

He knocked softly and opened the door. His father sat in his office filtering through a pile of papers in front of him. He looked at him with surprise, affection, pain, remorse and joy in his eyes; his son had stepped in his office after years.

“Hey dad”

“Hey son. You surprised me”

“I am glad I did. How are you?”

“I am good. How is your day?”

“Not bad. Took a day off.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“Coffee?”

“Nah, I am ok. Just came to say hello.”

“Great.”

“I’ll be leaving now.”

“All right”

He turned on his feet and opened the door to walk out when he heard his father’s old voice after a long time.

“Son!”

He turned around to see him.

“I am trying to be a good father.”

He looked at him, his hair all gone grey, his face gone soft and his eyes gone tired.

“You are a good father” he said with appreciation of a lifetime and walked out.

As he approached the main exit, he heard the personal assistant shouting in surprise, “you are taking a day off sir?’

He smiled and kept the door open as he walked out.

The evening was slipping through the barricade of the day; the sun was admitting defeat.

He parked his car and walked towards the city office blocks. It was just after six.

She walked out of the office building and saw him standing across the road; she turned left and started walking towards her car. He walked after her and reached her after a few steps. She stopped.

“Hi”

“Aah, so you can speak.”

“Yes I can.”

“Good to know” she started walking again.

“Please, wait, can we talk?”

“Of course, this is what we always did, except for the last few days when of course you couldn’t take all that talking anymore”

“Its not like that”

“Yeah? Then how is it?”

“I didn’t go silent because of you”

“Well that fixes it, doesn’t it?”

“I just didn’t expect it, I wasn’t prepared”

“How difficult was it, this was such a regular thing”

“I know, but with you everything is special, I don’t think of anything as regular”

“Then why did you do it? Why did you shut me out?”

“That was not the intention. But I did it because I was tired”

“Of what?”

“Of telling myself everyday, every time I would speak to you or see you that we are just friends, I have to tell myself all this, and keep it all there. It doesn’t come naturally; I have to deliberately do it. That day, for some reasons, I couldn’t. And I thought it would be fair to put in a little space for a while, to bring things back to what they were.”

“Things never changed in the first place.”

“I know. But it was … This is ridiculous; this shouldn’t be happening. I mean how many times do you want to undo things, to go back in time and erase it all, to find the pages where its all written and tear off that page, to go back to those moments and not relive them. But it doesn’t happen like that. This is how things are; this is how human beings live in a relationship, no matter what that relationship is; they make mistakes, they say things they don’t want to say or they don’t say things they should. A few moments, a few words, a few deeds do not make what we are; its how we meant it all that makes us. I didn’t mean it the way it was all delivered.”

“You think I’ll buy that?”

“I am not selling it to you. I am just telling.”

She went silent for a while as they stood on the side walk. Evening had opened the first door of the night. A lamppost woke up and coughed its pale light onto the concrete.

“What if it happens again?”

“I’ll bring more words to explain”

“But you’ll still do it?”

“No, that’s not what I meant”

“I know”

Tired and perplexed, she sat down on the footpath; he sat next to her.

She looked at him, in his eyes to find any grain of truth, and said, “Ok”

He took a deep breath and stared back at the road trying to find a crack. There were countless cracks on the road but he didn’t focus on them anymore. There was no burden of unspoken words on his days.

Silence froze between them for a while as they sat next to each other, caressing their shoulders; and then he said to her, “I can fly.”